The More Things Change
by Red Horseman
Summary: Eight years after leaving Japan Asuka returns. Can Asuka and Shinji find a way to start over? This is a complete rewrite of an earlier story.


The More Things Change: Reunion

Version 2

Red Horseman

Pre-readers:

Weltall Elite

Javier Caine

Alnilam

Started on April 26, 2002, and finished on October 6, 2002.

* * * *

   March 2027

   With barely a sound the balcony door slid open and a man stepped through, carrying a mug in his hand. He crossed the narrow strip of metal and concrete to lean against the railing. Raising one hand, he partially blocked the sun being reflected by the building across the street. Blue eyes narrowed as he briefly smiled, watching the sun continue to rise. Sounds of traffic and pedestrians reached his level but he paid no attention to it. Like all living things, humans had survived the challenge of the Angels and gone on to rebuild the shattered city of Tokyo-3. Things should have been good for the man, but they weren't.

   Sighing, he finished the last of his morning coffee and strode back into the apartment. Walking over to the answering machine, he stared down at the blinking red light with apprehension. The man knew what to expect when the button was pushed to replay the recording. After all, he had walked in the night before, just as the caller finished her call. It wasn't the first time he had received such a message, but he would never grow used to them. Reaching down, he pushed the button deciding he could let work bury any feelings he had.

   "Hello, Shinji. It's me, Kei. There's no good way to say what I'm going to tell you, so here it is. These last six months have been fun, we've done a lot of exciting things together but I can't see you anymore. I'm getting older and want to start thinking of settling down, but each time I bring up that subject you go all distant on me. I don't know what makes you afraid of commitment. I've tried to be patient and let you talk about your past but you never did." The woman's voice paused. "I loved you, Shinji, I truly did. I'm sorry. Good bye."

   When the message ended with a beep, Shinji stood there calmly, showing no reaction to the woman's words. His finger reached down and pushed the erase button, and he wondered if it was normal to feel empty after getting dumped. Squeezing his eyes shut, he felt the beginnings of tears but forced himself not to cry. He had learned that lesson well over the years, to hide his emotions. Taking a deep breath, he slowly released it while opening his eyes just as the message was deleted. 

   "Like it never existed," he muttered. "Didn't even get the face-to-face break-up like last time."

   He walked away from the small table and down the hall to his bedroom. He passed the kitchen without a glance, knowing his stomach wouldn't be able to handle the food as it was tied in knots. Opening his closet, he passed over the various jeans and polo shirts to pull out his normal office clothes, a black suit and white shirt. Dressing quickly, he paused in front of the mirror for a fast glance before grabbing the leather jacket next to the door. Turning, he gave the apartment one last glance wondering if it would ever echo with laughter again. The door closed with a hiss and he made his way to the garage and his car.

- - - -

    The computer screen went blank without a sound, and Shinji leaned back in his chair. He covered his mouth as he yawned before stretching as much as the chair allowed. His back audibly popped, causing hium to wince at the sound. The clock on the desk told him he had been busy for the last five hours without a break. Standing, he rubbed his stomach as it growled, reminding him that he had not eaten since the night before. Walking over to the small fridge that had been installed a while back, he grabbed a sandwich and a bottle of water. As he ate he walked around his office, clearing his mind and stretching his legs.

   He stopped and stared at the one wall that was not filled with bookcases or computer equipment. Faces of long ago stared back at him in full color. College friends had places next to old high school buddies. But the majority of the pictures were from the time of Angels and immediately afterwards. Rei, Misato, and Asuka had the most pictures, though Asuka was scowling in a lot of them. Still there were a few where she was smiling and his eyes softened at them. That was until he reached the picture taken at the airport eight years ago as she left, then he felt empty. A knock at the door caused him to turn from the wall and his fading memories of those years.

   A petite young lady of European descent stepped through the door. She smiled faintly as she saw him standing at the wall of photographs. In one hand, she clutched a folder with red markings, denoting a project that hadn't been green-lighted within the corporation. Sitting in a chair, the woman waited for him to take a seat before handing the folder over. Shinji found himself glancing up at the woman as he read through the report. He had found himself liking her from the first day; she was smart, fun and good looking but just a friend. His job was stressful enough without the added complication of a relationship with one of his co-workers, and someone he respected.

   "It looks like the old men still haven't come to their senses," she commented, brushing brown hair off a slender shoulder.

   "Angela, you know how difficult it is to get funding for a project this risky," he said, calmly. "The Belgians started this earlier in the century…"

   "But Second Impact stopped it before they got any firm data. I know that already," she interrupted.

   "Sorry."

   She waved her hand. "Don't worry about it. Anyways, I've got more bad news. The supervisor on the test derricks wants to see you as soon as possible. Something about programming errors and transfer rates."

   "Okay," Shinji said, opening his scheduler. "I can see him…"

   "I've already rescheduled the rest of the day."

   The young man nodded his appreciation. "Thanks. I don't know what'd I do without you."

   Angela stood at the sametime as Shinji. "Probably get swamped with work."

   He smiled at the comment knowing that it would more than likely be true. Once he started on one thing he ignored everything else, which led to paperwork building up. Shinji grabbed his jacket off of his chair, sliding the file into his briefcase before striding to the door. He stopped as Angela had not left before him and was waiting for him. She wore a small smile as she stared at him with green eyes."

   "I've been wondering," she said, blushing. "If you'd join me for a drink one of these nights…between friends."

   "I'm sorry, but I just can't," he found himself saying.

   Disappointment showed for brief second before she smiled. "…Okay."

   With that, the two adults left his office and went their own ways. Angela returned to her cubicle to catch up on the project and answer the phone while he was out of the office. Shinji went to the bank of the elevators that would lead to the parking deck. He didn't realize he was frowning until the doors closed and he could see himself on their highly polished surfaces. The frown grew at how cold he must have seemed to the woman after turning down a simple request, but he reminded himself of what had happened that morning. When the doors opened to the cool air of the garage his face was blank.

- - - -

   The door opened into the darkened apartment and Shinji kicked off his shoes before he went past the foyer. He flicked the light switch on, blinking at the sudden illumination, before continuing to the living room. After a few minutes of searching for the remote, he turned the television on, flipping to a financial channel. Grunting at what he saw the man turned from the news, wanting to get something to eat and drink. He stopped as he saw the blinking red light of a message on his machine.

   "Didn't I…" Shinji muttered before shaking his head.

   His kitchen was clean and orderly with no dishes in the sink or rubbish on the counters. Opening the fridge, he grabbed a bottle of water and a container of leftovers. Not bothering to heat the food up, he grabbed a fork and went back out to the living room. Sitting on the couch, Shinji propped his feet up on the coffee table and opened the water. With little enthusiasm, he jabbed the fork into the spaghetti, twirling it around the tines. As the latest stock quotes flowed across the screen, he alternated between eating and drinking, finishing his meal in a matter of minutes. Sighing, he took the containers into the kitchen, pushing the message button after grabbing the cordless phone.

   "Shinji, this Hikari. Give me a call, preferably tonight. Bye."

   The message was over before he had even returned to the couch. With remote in hand he flipped through the channels, mulling over whether he should call, since it was late in the evening. A push of the button and the television was turned off, the remote placed on the coffee table. Shinji sat there staring at his phone wondering what Hikari wanted to talk about. Without even thinking, his thumb was pushing the appropriate numbers before he had made up his mind to call. Sighing, he lifted the phone to his ear, hearing Hikari's phone ringing.

   "Suzuhara residence," a girl answered after four rings.

   "Is Hikari there?" 

   "May I ask who is calling?" the girl asked.

   "It's Shinji Ikari," he smiled faintly. "I can't believe you don't recognize my voice, Ruriko."

   "Shinji!" Ruriko squealed in delight. "When are you coming over again? It's been boring having to play with Yuri."

   "I'll be over soon, and don't talk about your younger sister like that," he scolded.

   "But she's so boring. All she does is…" Shinji heard Hikari's voice in the background. "Mom's here." A pause. "Please visit soon."

  He frowned slightly knowing that he had neglected his friends lately, going all the way back to college. Touji and Hikari had gotten married a year after high school while he buried himself in college and graduating early. Though he visited as much as possible sometimes weeks would go by when he didn't talk to anyone. It seemed like work was his only life.

   "Shinji, you there?" Hikari's voice sounded worried.

   The man shook his head, turning his attention back to the phone. "Sorry, my mind drifted."

   "Better take care of it before it gets worse." He could hear the smile on Hikari's face. "How have you been, Shinji?"

   "Okay, I guess. I've seen better days and worse days before."

   "Everything okay between you and Kei?"

   "Yeah," he lied. "So what'd you want to talk about?"

   "The class reunion. It's this weekend and I wanted to make sure you were going to be there."

   "Already?" 

   Hikari sighed. "I thought you'd be excited. After all you left early at the last one and…"

   "Well not much changes in four years," he interrupted.

   "That's not true!" She sounded shocked. "Lots of things have changed."

   The man closed his eyes, remembering the reunion four years ago. Nothing had changed back then, four years after they had graduated. The married couples were still married; the singles still single. All that had changed was who had gotten promoted at their jobs or what new possession they had just bought. He had left early back then, tired of listening to people talk about their children or girlfriends.

   "Have you talked to…Asuka?" he asked, hesitantly.

   "No." Hikari paused. When she spoke again her voice was sad. "I guess she's keeping her word of never returning to Japan again."

   "Yeah."

   "Look the reason I called wasn't to make you feel guilty," the woman's voice had regained its cheerfulness. "I haven't been able to get a hold of Rei, and Miss Katsuragi isn't returning my calls. Can you tell Rei about the reunion?"

   "I'll make sure she gets the message," he replied quietly.

   "And show up! There's more to life than just work."

   "I'll be there, Hikari. I promise," Shinji stated ignoring her last comment.

- - - -

   "Hold the elevator!"

   Shinji stuck his arm through the opened doors when he heard the voice call out. The workday had passed slowly and he had a large headache from not sleeping. It always seemed that whenever he talked to friends from school, especially Hikari, he was never able to sleep. He had spent the night before staring up at the ceiling reliving all his failures, whether professional or personal. The man remembered reading somewhere that burying your inner demons only made them worse, yet nothing changed with his demons. If he buried them, they ate at his insides and if he acknowledged them they still bothered him.

   "Damned if you do. Damned if you don't," he muttered.

   "Did you say something, Shinji?"

   The man blinked and saw Angela standing next to him a worried expression on her face. Sheepishly, he lowered his arm and pressed the button for the underground parking garage. When the doors closed he could see just how tired he was as his entire body seemed to be sagging. The only good part was that he didn't have circles under his eyes.

   "Nothing, just talking to myself," he answered when the elevator started down.

   "Is something wrong?" she asked, concern in her voice. "You haven't been…yourself all day."  

   He opened his mouth to deny that he had been acting weird but closed it at her expression. 

   'Why do women always make me feel…' He thought before answering. "Just thinking of my class reunion in a couple days."

   "Things like that will always get a person thinking, though mine was fun," she replied, sighing. "I just wish I was still in the United States. It'd make it easier to go to my next one." The woman perked up, smiling. "So you want to go get that drink tonight? I can tell you about my reunion and you can tell me about yours." 

   "Sorry," he said sincerely. "I've got to meet an old friend tonight."

   "So who is she?"

   Shinji winced, wondering if he was that easy to read. "Misato Katsuragi, a United Nations officer and my former guardian."

   "She must be special to you?" She frowned when he nodded.

   "Yeah."

- - - -

   Those words continued to bounce around the inside of his mind as he pulled his dark green BMW sedan next to Misato's new blue Renault sports car. The older woman was special to him for a lot of reasons, some of which would surprise a lot of people. She had been a lot of things to him since he had met her so many years ago: guardian, friend, an older sister, drinking buddy, a stern mother, and a confidant. All of those described the various sides of his relationship with Misato. As he pushed through the doors of the restaurant he saw her standing at the hostess station, chatting with the young woman manning it.

   "Leave the poor girl alone, Misato," he said, jokingly. 

   The violet haired woman turned around at his voice. Though he had gone home to change and shower, he still felt like a little boy as she ran a critical eye over him. Her stern demeanor disappeared when she grinned at him and smothered him in a hug. It was his turn to look disapprovingly at his friend and what she was wearing. For someone in her early forties she still dressed like a woman in her twenties. The strapless yellow dress she wore barely reached her knees and as they passed various tables men still gawked at her. He smiled faintly as he waited for her to be seated before sitting down across from her. Neither spoke as they briefly glanced at their menus, already knowing what they were going to order, which was evident when they signaled for a waiter minutes later.     

   Misato rested her chin on one palm quietly studying the young man sitting across from her. She had to agree with many a female colleague that Shinji had matured into a handsome young man, taller than most men, with the clean hard lines of his father. The young man's eyes softened the stern look of his father, the only physical trait he had inherited from his mother. Or that was all she had been able to find. The woman sighed slightly as she recognized the signs of Shinji trying to figure out the right way to start the conversation. And by the way he didn't acknowledge the waiter when he returned with their salads, it must be serious.  Frowning, she picked at her salad after the waiter had left them, waiting for Shinji to speak, watching as he played with his food.

   "So how's work?" the woman finally asked, smiling at his frown. "Boring as usual?"

   "Yeah, the executives are still dragging their feet on my project."

   Her grin grew. "That's the way it is everywhere, Shinji. The older one becomes the more cautious one gets." She took a sip of water. "It's especially true of businessmen."

   Shinji sighed. "I know all of that, Misato. And knowing it doesn't make it any easier to handle." He took a bite of the salad, frowning at having chosen the wrong dressing. Looking up, he saw his former guardian studying him. "What?"

   "I really should talk to Kei about feeding you properly," she joked. "You're too thin."

   "I'm not!" the man protested. 

   "So when was the last time she cooked for you?"

   "A week ago."  

   Normally that answer would've satisfied the older woman's curiosity, but something about his tone of voice worried her. She studied him for a few quiet moments noticing how he wouldn't meet her eyes and how his right hand twitched. Not only that, his entire body had tensed at his girlfriend's name. Leaning back, she brought a glass of water up to her lips, seeing his shoulders relax at the simple distraction. Setting her drink down, Misato picked up her fork and started eating again. 

   "When did you break up with her?" This time she saw him jump.

   Shinji was caught off guard by the sudden shift. "What makes you think I broke up with Kei?"

   "I know you, Shinji. And because you're dodging the question." Misato sighed, "When did you break up with Kei?"

   "Two days ago," he admitted, knowing it was futile to lie to his friend; she wouldn't believe what he told her.

   "There go my chances of ever seeing grandchildren," she moaned. "I really had hopes for Kei and you. And the way Asuka is I'll never…"

   "You've talked to Asuka!" Shinji felt excited, wanting to hear about his former roommate.

   "So why did you ask me out?" She asked. "I know it isn't about your breakup, they never seem to affect you in any way." 

   Shinji sat down, disappointed at her ignoring his question. "Can't I ask a friend out every now and then?"

   "Yes, but you only ask me out when you need an ear," she explained. Misato quickly went on at his frown. "I don't mind. It's just that I hardly ever see you except for these little dates, Shinji. I thought we were closer than that."

   "Sorry, I should keep in touch more." He blushed, as she waved her hand, telling him it wasn't that big of a deal. Sighing, Shinji closed his eyes. "Sunday is the class reunion. I promised Hikari that I'd be there and…"

   "And you never break a promise," the woman finished.

   "Yeah," he agreed. "But I've never liked class reunions."

    Misato frowned faintly. This was the first time she had heard this from the man. "Why not? All your friends will be at the reunion. I know you and Touji are close, that you get together with his family every now and then. Hikari has always been a friend, even if it was through Touji or Asuka; she still cares about you. And no matter what happens, Kensuke will always be your friend. You were a hero to him and others during the Angels." She smiled at the thought of Shinji being portrayed as hero back then. "Besides everyone treats you as a normal person and that's what you want, right?"

   "I know that, Misato!" He looked over her shoulder, distant. "There are just too many memories wrapped up with that group, though. Whenever I think about the past, all I see are my failures. Everyone has gone through so much, yet I feel like an outsider at times."

   Misato averted her eyes, not wanting to see the pain on Shinji's face. "Rei's supposed to show up." She didn't stop at the lack of reaction. "I'm sure you two can find something to talk about. Out of everyone you know you keep in touch with Rei more than anyone else." Misato frowned again. "You do keep in touch with her don't you?"

   "Yeah, and we really don't have as much to talk about as you think we do." Shinji poked at the dish in front of him, eating just because he had to and not enjoying the food.

   Misato set her knife and fork down, and picked up the glass of wine. Holding it in both hands she swirled it around, watching the red liquid catch and reflect the light. Her voice was soft and sad as she spoke, 

   "I really don't think Asuka is going to show up, Shinji."

   "Again, I know that, Misato. In the eight years since she left I've never received a phone call or email from her." His voice was sad, resigned to a fact. "I stopped hoping for a card on my birthday or holidays years ago. She's never written a letter explaining anything."

   "So you've gotten over her?" 

   The man shook his head. "I don't think I'll ever get over her, but…I don't think about her as much as before. She was one of the most unique people I had ever met." He squeezed his eyes shut, stopping his tears. "What's sad is I'm holding onto a memory that's slowly fading away. I don't remember her voice and only have pictures from eight years ago." His eyes were sad, but clear when he opened them. "Is it just as painful for you? Trying to remember Ryoji."

   "Yes," came the strangled reply. 

   "I'm sorry, Misato. I didn't mean…"

   She reached for his hand. "It's all right. I know you weren't trying to hurt me. But yes it hurts." Her smile was gentle. "It's easier for me to remember him because I loved him and knew him for much longer than you knew Asuka."

   "Yeah, love," he muttered looking up when Misato squeezed his hand.

   "You'll find someone one of these days," she told him, smiling. "All you have to do is be patient."

   "I've been alone my entire life," he stated calmly. "I think I'm one of those people that is destined to be alone forever."

   "What would you say to her?" she asked, unable to bear his words anymore. It was just too sad. 

   Shinji looked puzzled. "What?"

   "Asuka. What would you say to her if you saw her again?"

   "Do you know something?" he inquired optimistically, interested in her words.

   "Hypothetically speaking," she replied. "If she showed up in Tokyo-3 again what would you say to her? What would you ask her, tell her? What questions would you want answered?"

   Shinji smiled faintly. "To tell you the truth, I don't know. We never really talked all that much before she left. I hardly know anything about her, so I don't really know where I would start."

   Misato smiled, remembering how hard it had been to have a conversation with the German girl before she left. Asuka had distanced herself even more from the people around her. Angers and tempers had flared even more as the United Nations inquiries dragged on for almost a year. During that time both teens would fall into silent depression, pulling into their shells only to violently erupt at tense or touchy occasions. The times that they did talk to each other were normally filled with large gaps of silence, as neither knew what to say that wouldn't set the other person off. But the last year had been the worst as their family unit disintegrated, and Misato had never gotten the reason why from either teen.

   "That's not good enough, Shinji," she told him. "There has to be one thing that you want answered. Something that you want to hear her tell you if you two met again."

   The man thought about that. "I guess I have a couple questions I want answered."

   "What are they?" Misato leaned forward, waiting.

   "I'm sorry, they're for Asuka and only for her."

   "Well it's a start, even if it's a hypothetical encounter," commented Misato. She held up a finger, stopping Shinji. "Go to the reunion and catch up with everything that has been happening with your friends. Try talking to some of the single women, and keep your mind off the past."

   "That was cold, Misato."

   "It's better that you enjoy yourself than sulk at the party, young man," she countered, grinning widely.

   Shinji smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "So how come I don't feel young? I feel like I'm fifty instead of just twenty-five."

   "That's because you keep everything inside instead of talking. You need to find a nice young lady to help you relax."

   Shinji winced at the comment wondering if Misato had completely forgotten what they had just talked about, Asuka and the past. Shaking his head, he knew she hadn't forgotten a single word of what had been just said between the two of them. Instead she was still trying, in a not so subtle way, to tell him to hurry and find someone to love. He didn't have the heart to tell Misato that he had tried to find that special person, but all his attempts had failed for one reason or another. But she was right in that he should go to the reunion.

- - - -

   April 2027

   Getting out of the taxi, Shinji looked up at the glass and steel building where the reunion was being held. Shaking his head, he paid the driver and slowly walked to the front doors. He watched out of the corner of his eye as groups of people walked by heading to the elevators. The man remembered a few of the people's names but didn't call out, and none of them stopped to inquire who he was. He laughed at that, remembering the times when his face was known around the world because of what he had been. But like all things in life, he had faded out of people's memories, no one on the street remembering who he was.

   "It's better that way," he muttered getting into a nearby elevator.

   "You know it's not good when you talk to yourself, Shinji."

   The man spun at the unexpected comment, having been lost in his own thoughts and not noticing the other person. He came face to face with a dark brown haired woman who was shorter than him, and pregnant. She frowned when she saw that he didn't recognize her immediately, instead tapping her foot. Shinji took a moment to study the woman trying to remember if he knew her. 

   "Mana?"

   "That's a start. Now let's see if you can remember my surname."

   Shinji narrowed his eyes, thinking. "Kirishima."

   "Wrong!" She stepped closer to him smiling sadly. "If you had come to the wedding you'd know it."

   "I know, and I'm sorry." With the exception of perhaps Asuka, Shinji had remained somewhat informed in what had been going on in the lives of the people he had met over the years. Mana had been no exception, and that was why he felt bad for telling her he had avoided her wedding. "I've neglected too many…" He stopped when she grabbed his hand, and shook her head. "Mana?"

   "Quit feeling guilty, I don't hate you or anything. I just wish you'd keep in touch once in a while. There's nothing wrong with having a girl as a friend. It'd just be like Asuka…" She paused, biting her lower lip at his frown. "Forgive me, I forgot that you and Asuka had a messy break-up."

   "We never dated," he answered, sadly. 

   "I'm sorry, I know how much you liked her." She quickly exited when the doors opened, and briefly looked over her shoulder. "You'll find someone."

   'I wish people would stop telling me that,' he thought getting off the elevator.

   Walking down the corridor, he followed the sound of music and conversation to the restaurant where Hikari was holding the class reunion. As he passed into the foyer, his face had lost the last traces of sorrow from the elevator. He smiled faintly at the two women signing in people, pinning his name card to his jacket before continuing into the main room. Still smiling he threaded his way through the crowd, trying not to bump into people.

   "Say did you hear about Masami? Supposedly she's…"

   Shinji didn't stop to hear the rest of the conversation; it was all the same, just different people.

   "I just got this large bonus for…"

   This time the man sighed, wondering what people would say if they learned how much he made. Money was the only thing in his life he never had to worry about. Spotting who he was looking for, he pushed around a man and his date, ignoring their protests. He knew the woman had done the same to him years ago, not caring that he had been having a conversation. As he neared the trio, the taller man tapped the brunette on the shoulder causing her to turn around. She gave him a quick hug as Touji and Rei watched calmly.

   "So you decided to show up," said Hikari in a quiet voice. "But your timing could have been better."

   Shinji took a moment to look at the woman standing besides him. Conservative as ever Hikari was wearing a dark green dress of modest cut with a matching short jacket. Her twin pigtails had disappeared back in high school and now the former class representative wore her brown hair just above the shoulder. He wondered how she had gotten so tall, as she had always been shorter, until he saw the heels that she was wearing. Moving slightly, he broke contact between them.

   "I told you I'd come, Hikari."

   "I know," she admitted. "It just feels like you're drifting away, even faster than before."

   "There's really nothing…" he trailed off not wanting to hurt the woman by saying there was nothing to keep him close. "So who'd you get to baby-sit?"

   "Kei," Hikari said, blandly. "Why didn't you tell me you two broke up? I worked so hard to get you…"

   "Please, can we just drop that subject?" he begged. "I already heard the lecture from Misato, I don't need it from you."

   "We're just worried about you," Touji spoke up finally. "In eight years you've had five girlfriends and none of those lasted for even a year." He smiled sadly. "Kensuke might even beat you to the altar."

   "I know," he groaned before turning to the third person. "What about you, Rei? Do you want to comment on my relationships or lack thereof?"

   The blue-haired woman gave him a small gentle smile and shook her head. Her response was enough to relax Shinji and he felt his temper settling down. He felt himself blush as he looked at the only other girl to capture his heart. She had matured into a beautiful woman and what he had heard from Misato at times was that she had turned down all her admirers, content to live her life alone. As he looked over the slim woman in the blue evening gown he knew the men must have been devastated. She still had perfect white skin and her hair was styled, resting on her shoulders. 

   "Well, I hate to stop here but I really need to get things going," stated Hikari. "Shinji, you and Rei will be at the same table. I have to sit with the other class officers."

   With that she smiled and turned around to go to her table, but after a couple of steps she stopped. Looking over her shoulder, the former class representative watched Shinji move away, talking quietly to Rei. She saw the glances he was getting from a few of the single women in the room as he passed them and she could understand. Though she had never met the man, Touji had told her a few times how Shinji took after his father; a tall, dark and mysterious man who no one understood. Yet she knew under that front was a caring young man, all it would take was the right person to get him to open up. She turned at the light touch on her arm to see her husband looking her, worried. Smiling, the brunette moved toward their table.

   "So how have you been, Rei?" Shinji asked as they moved deeper into the room.

   "Good. I have been offered a position at Ms. Ibuki's company if I so desire." She stopped and let a slightly intoxicated classmate go by. "She has been quite insistent that I accept her offer."

   "I take it she's been successful? And the same with Ritsuko."

   "Ms. Akagi has retired from her position in Research and Development. She cited stress as the main cause," the woman said, with a faint smile. "Though I do not believe it."

   Shinji pulled out a chair for Rei. "Yeah, Ritsuko lived off of stress so that can't be the reason." He paused, frowning. "My father's first parole hearing is to be in six months."

   "They were lovers in the past. Maybe they want to start over."

   The man frowned at the thought, picking up his glass and drinking from it to get the bad taste out of his mouth. As he drank, his eyes were glancing at the other people sitting at the table. A couple of the women were eyeing him speculatively, causing him to grimace. Setting the glass down he looked around the room, spotting Mana at a nearby table, chatting away happily. Turning back to his own table, he pushed his appetizer away, studying the tabletop.

   "So…how is he?" Shinji asked quietly moments later.

   Rei stopped eating, studying her friend. "Good, though he has not been himself lately." She paused. "He has asked about you, how you are doing at work, if you are healthy and other topics."

   "Bastard must want something if he's interested in me," growled Shinji, ignoring the anger in his voice.

   "Maybe he wants to repair the bridge between you."

   "Twenty-one years, Rei." He looked up, seeing a couple of people flinch at his expression. "In twenty-one years he has never acknowledged my existence. I gave him many opportunities, but he ignored them, burning the bridge faster each time I tried to connect with him." The glass in his hand creaked at the pressure. "Letters written were never answered, cards returned, and…"

   "People make mistakes."

   "I know, I've made enough of them."

- - - -

   "Excuse me, I have to leave for a moment."

   Shinji didn't wait for the others to acknowledge his comment before he was out of his seat and moving toward the restroom. His stomach churned as the last two hours replayed through his mind. He had listened to people recite their dating and work records with disgust, and learned more tips for various hobbies than he cared to know. Pushing open the door, the man saw the restroom was empty and moved to a washbasin. Splashing his face with cold water he closed eyes, remembering how others had talked about school and who had liked him, and it just kept going on and on.

   "You feeling okay, Shinji?"

   The man turned his head to see Touji leaning against the door, barring others from entering. Smiling, he turned off the water and grabbed a towel, drying his hands. Sitting on the counter, resting his hands on his knees, Shinji stared at his friend. 

   "Yeah, I'm okay. It's just that people don't realize how boring it is to listen to others talking about work, girlfriends, and home over and over," he sighed in disgust. "It's just…"

   "That's not the problem," interrupted Touji. "Why don't you just come out and say it."

   "Say what?" asked Shinji, confused.

   "That you miss piloting EVA, the Angels and the fighting." 

   "I don't know…"

   "Bullshit!" Touji walked toward his friend. "You know that since you stopped piloting you haven't felt _alive_, you feel average."

   "And if I do, then what?"

   "Don't know, but it would be a first step. It would explain why you don't like reunions because they remind you of what you were and how average you are now." The taller man rested his hands on Shinji's shoulders. "You know it's true."

   "Fine," Shinji said, glaring. "But I don't feel any different."

   "I didn't say it'd work immediately." Touji walked toward the door. "Let's get a drink."

- - - -

   "So that's why Kensuke isn't here."

   Shinji bowed his head, laughing at hearing the whole story of Kensuke's sudden job assignment. It had been a casual inquiry of why their friend hadn't come to the reunion, then turned into a time of reminiscing of all their experiences. Holding his drink in both hands, he let his laughter die, feeling the cold seeping into his hands. Taking a sip he cherished the taste of the alcohol as it slid smoothly over his tongue, with its woody taste before trickling down his throat, finally ending up in his stomach and warming him. He wasn't even aware of the shift in the atmosphere of the bar as it went silent behind him. 

   "Excuse me, do you know where I could find Shinji Ikari?" 

   The man tensed up when he heard that question behind him, yet the speaker wasn't asking him. He felt his body trembling for some reason while he tried to place the speaker. He didn't know the woman's voice and way of speaking, and he couldn't place her accent. Still he didn't turn around when one of their former schoolmates responded to her. The smell of her perfume was the only warning when she stopped behind him. Again, he couldn't place the scent, yet it teased his memory. Out of the corner of his eye, Shinji saw Touji start in surprise, coughing up his drink.

   "Shinji Ikari?" The woman's voice held a hint of worry as she briefly touched his arm.

   Nodding, he spun on his seat, coming face to face with the inquisitor. His breath caught in throat when he saw how beautiful her face was from moist, red lips to creamy white skin and finally staring into sparkling blue eyes. The man found himself looking over her, seeing a tall, exquisite woman with more than modest dimensions wearing a knee-length black dress that clung to her athletic figure. Her hands were crossed in front, nails painted in red. He swallowed when she brushed some auburn hair off her shoulder, realizing who it was. 

   "…Asuka?"

   The woman frowned slightly. "You don't sound so sure with your answer, Shinji. Maybe this'll help." She leaned in close, whispering. "Remember our first kiss?"

   Asuka's question had the opposite effect then she had expected as Shinji spun around and grabbed his glass. The redhead pursed her lips, thinking of how to correct the situation. She glanced at Touji when he rose from his seat and nodded at her, which earned him a smile. Sitting down, the woman smoothed her dress over slender legs before turning to Shinji. She saw the blush on his cheeks when her leg touched his before she grabbed his hand.

   "I'm sorry," she apologized, momentarily biting her lower lip. "I shouldn't have said that, especially with what happened eight years ago."

   "You're right, you shouldn't have brought it up." Shinji winced at the anger in his voice.

   "I wanted to lighten the mood." The woman took a couple deep breaths. "But I guess you still have a lot of pain from me." She nodded at his silence. "I didn't come here to fight with you or torment you. I'll understand if you don't want me around."

   With that she fell silent, waiting for an answer from the man next to her. Her nervousness grew, as he didn't respond to her last statement, instead he continued to stare straight ahead. She had been sincere about not wanting to torment him or fight. Sighing, she reached out for her purse, knowing that it had been wrong for her to approach him. 

   "Don't go." His request was barely above a whisper, but it was the hand on her wrist that stopped her. He turned to face her. "Don't go, please."

   She sat down, relieved. "Okay."

   "I guess…it's the surprise," Shinji began after some silence. "In eight years I hear nothing from you. Never a phone call, email, or even a short letter." He looked away briefly. "Now you show up out of the blue, and the first thing you do is bring up _that_ kiss."

   "Stupid of me, I know," she admitted.

   "Yeah."

   The redhead waved the bartender away when he came over for her order, not wanting anything to drink. She felt her cheeks heat up when she turned her head and saw Shinji staring at her. Old memories of silent stares and limited conversations surfaced, and she felt anger starting to build as he continued to sit there not saying a word, but she forced it down. There was no reason she should be angry with him, he wasn't ignoring her or being rude, and it wasn't 2019 anymore. Slowly, she counted to ten and back down, calming herself and thinking. When she was sure she wouldn't say anything she'd regret Asuka reached a decision.

   "You up for a walk?" she inquired, smiling coyly as she stood.

   "A walk?"

   "Just like the Shinji I remember, always repeating himself over the obvious." Asuka reached down at grabbed his wrist, pulling him towards the door before letting go. "Yes, a walk. A stroll between former colleagues who haven't seen each other in ages." 

   "Have you talked to Hikari? She'd be disappointed if you showed up and left without talking to her." 

   The redhead's smile grew as she pointed over her shoulder at the mess of people crowding the entranceway. Hikari stood off to one side with Touji, nodding slightly as he locked eyes with her. Swallowing, he stood up, following Asuka to the entrance, stopping next to their friends. 

   "You don't have to apologize, Shinji," stated the brunette. "Go with Asuka, spend a little time catching up with her."

   "Okay."

- - - -

   "Fine."

   Shinji stopped and turned toward the redhead as he heard a frustrated sigh come from her. The sounds of water lapping at the rocks faded, and her question disappeared from his mind as he stared at her. With her hands planted on her hips and hair blowing in the breeze she presented an image of the old Asuka. But as he glanced at her face, the man knew that wasn't true. Instead of anger, her features presented a pleading and sad appearance. Suddenly he felt like crap for his answer to a legitimate question. 

   "Don't do this, Shinji," Asuka said quietly. 

   "Do what?" he asked before wincing, knowing what she was saying.

   "You know what I mean. I'm trying here, Shinji. The least you could do is try too."

   Asuka watched him nod slowly before he walked past her. After a few steps he turned and glanced over his shoulder at her. She swallowed at the look he gave her, feeling her cheeks heat up. Over the years she had received many stares from males but as Shinji stood there waiting, the redhead knew this time it was different. A ghost of a smile formed on her lips when she caught up to him and they started walking again. Her happiness faded while he remained quiet, the only sound was of their feet on the pavement. His arm brushed against her, directing her to an observation deck built over the water.

   "I'm sorry," he said, leaning against the railing, staring out across the moonlit water.

   "Don't say…" she stopped as he spun around.

   "No, I _am_ sorry," he said firmly. "You're right. I haven't been trying that hard to talk with you."    

   Asuka shook her head. "Then why are you still…" Her words trailed off as he frowned. "What's wrong?"

   The man knew this was the moment he had spent the last eight years waiting for, yet as he opened his mouth to speak, the words caught in his throat. It wasn't supposed to be this hard, he argued with himself. All he had to do was ask a simple question and hope for an answer from the woman. Yet as they stared at each other waiting for him to speak, he knew it wasn't going to be simple. Averting his gaze, the man ran his fingers through his hair before swallowing and making eye contact again.

   "What's _wrong_ is that I don't know…" His fists clenched and he shook. "I don't know why you left eight years ago! I don't know if it was something I did or failed to do. Or if it was something I said or failed to say!" Tears trickled down his cheeks. "Did I mean so little to you that you couldn't explain to me why you were leaving?" His voice dropped from a yell to a whisper. "Why Asuka? Why did you leave? I need to know! Please." The last word was barely audible.   

   "I guess I should finally explain," she whispered after some moments of silence.

   "Yes," his voice was just as quiet. "When you rejected me I never asked why. I endured your anger, never knowing why you lashed out at me or avoided me as much as possible." He stepped closer, pain on his face. "I never asked for an explanation for a lot of things, but this time it's different."

   "Shinji…"

   "I just can't pretend nothing happened eight years ago! I can't force myself to forget so many years have passed since you left," he continued, not hearing her voice. "I need to know so I can finally put the past…"

   "Shinji, be quiet!" Asuka shouted. "I know all that," she said softly at his look a moment later. 

   "Then why?"  

   The redhead looked down and walked over to a bench before sitting down. She smoothed the dress over her legs, playing with the hemline. A gust of wind blew some stray strands of hair into her face, causing her to reach up and brush it out of the way. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her former roommate stick his hands in his jacket pockets. Even a mist of water against her legs did nothing to break the appearance of calm. Yet her mind was racing while she sat there above the water.

   That Shinji had asked for an explanation for why she had left years ago was no surprise. She would've expected the same thing from him if their places were reversed. During the plane trip back to Japan she had sifted through her past again, especially her time in Tokyo-3, trying to organize all her thoughts and emotions. Still she had hoped he would have waited a short time for an answer, after all he hadn't had an explanation in eight years so a week shouldn't have made any difference. But here she was, less than twelve hours after arriving back in Japan, presented with the situation she had been dreading for years. A polite cough broke her musing and she looked up to see him waiting, worry evident on his features. Averting her gaze, she concentrated on her hands, which were clasped together tightly.

   "I guess the easiest answer would be that I…hated you," she began, looking down at the boards. "Shinji, the good boy, was always there for others but never for me, never for me."

   "That's not true!"

   "That's the way I saw it back then," commented Asuka. "Where were you after the 15th Angel?"   

   Shinji took a step toward the woman. "I was locked in cryostasis or I would've…"

   "I know now and knew then that you couldn't have come to my aid but," she comment quietly, "I said after, not during my rape."

   "You pushed…" The man shut his mouth with a click of teeth.

   "That's right. Everything was my fault because I pushed you away, hurt you or insulted you, but that was just an excuse." The next words were a susurration. "On both our parts."

   "I know," whispered Shinji.

   The woman bowed her head. "I sort of expected that you'd figured that out by now. But still there were a couple of times when you stood up for yourself, disobeying orders because you thought you knew what was best. You even helped me out, and I never…thanked you." She wiped at her nose. "I guess it's my own fault that you always left me alone at the worst moments, at the wrong times."  

   "I thought that was what you wanted at the time," he admitted quietly. "You were always saying how you wanted to be left alone."

   "Did that do any good, leaving me alone?" 

   "No, but Asuka I can't change the past."  

   "Yeah, the past." The redhead nodded, looking at her feet. "But that wasn't all. After the 16th Angel you ran to see your precious Rei, brushing me aside, not caring how _I_ was feeling at the time. And when I was at Hikari's you never called." 

   "Again I thought I was respecting your wishes." He walked over to her and rested a hand on her shoulder.

   Her fists clenched tightly at the next memory. "Then…you left me alone to fight _those_ EVAs. I know everything so I don't…hate you, but it hurt back then."

   "If I could…" He stopped, remembering his words about not being able to change the past. "I was such an idiot." 

   "You always told me how much you cared, but your actions never matched your words. That hurt, made me feel worthless, but that wasn't all." Her voice cracked slightly. "Every time I looked at you, I didn't see the boy who saved me, but a painful memory. I hated you for what you did to me during Instrumentality. Or what you failed to do for me would be closer." 

   "Asuka, I tried…" He stopped when she looked up, seeing tears on her cheeks.

   "Be quiet, please. You wanted to know," she told him, not caring about her tears. "You had the power of a god to do whatever you wanted! The world could have been yours, shaped to your will or desires. Nothing was outside your power during that time. I _know_ you saw all the pain in my soul and yet you did nothing, _nothing_." The redhead shook her head. "Do you know what you did to me because of your inaction? The number of sleepless nights I've had since that day! Or how many times I've woken up screaming from nightmares, alone and scared!" Her fists clenched tighter, threatening to draw blood. "You brought Rei, Misato, and Ritsuko back yet for me…"

   "You healed my body, oh god, I'm so grateful for that, but…" A sob escaped her mouth. "But you left my memories unaltered. Everything I wanted to forget, every painful moment was left intact. Mama's time in the hospital and her suicide, my losses to the Angels." Her voice was picking up speed as she spoke. "Kaji's rejection of me when I needed him, the depression I slowly sank into caused by you and myself." Asuka absently ran a hand up her right arm, stopping at her eye. "My defeat and wounding by _those_ Evangelions yet I don't have any scars, just nightmares." 

   "Oh god!" she cried suddenly, the memories too much for her. "Why didn't you help me! Why didn't you alter my memories! If you cared so much about me why didn't you…"

   Her question was interrupted as Shinji quickly pulled her to her feet. She barely had time to realize what was happening before arms wrapped around her and hugged her, tight. His chin rested lightly on her shoulder and she could hear his ragged breathing. Somehow hearing his labored breath was reassuring, that she wasn't the only one hurting. After a moment she slowly reached up, wrapping her arms around his torso.

   "Why didn't you make me happy?"

   Shinji closed his eyes at her question, hearing the hurt in her voice. "Because it would've been a lie." He paused, waiting for a response, but when one didn't come he went on. "I could've erased your memories, made you happy and my girlfriend but I couldn't have lived with myself. I would've known that we were together only because I made it so, not because we loved each other." He loosened his arms.  "It would've been wrong for me to do that. But most of all because it would've taken away everything that made you special to me." 

   Asuka closed her eyes at his statement. "I never thought about it that way. I just wanted to be happy for once in my life and you could've granted my wish. And when you didn't," she sniffed lightly, "all I could do was hate you, but even then I couldn't hate you completely."

   The man stared out across the water for some time before speaking again. "So it was all my fault; your anger and resentment and then you leaving. I just never knew how much pain I caused you. I should've been there for you more."   

   "No, it's not _all_ your fault, not entirely." She swallowed, her voice sorrowful. "The same with how it wasn't just hatred that made me leave."

   Asuka reluctantly released Shinji, immediately missing his body warmth and arms around her. She didn't want to leave the embrace not knowing when she would find herself in another one. It felt nice, and as she walked to the end of the observation deck she kept that firmly in her mind. Her eyes gazed outward taking in the scenery while her mind gazed inward to the past.

   "I wasn't _just_ angry at you for leaving my pain intact or for never being there for me," she began. "It went deeper then that. I was…scared."

   "Scared? You?" Shinji said in disbelief. "You were never scared of anything."

   "Yes, I was. Of a great many things." A sad smile formed on the redhead's lips. "Of being forgotten or being killed or not being able to pilot. But what scared me the most was being alone."

   As she said those words, Asuka remembered her promise of never needing anybody made so many years ago. It had seemed like such an easy promise to keep when she was a child, just push everyone away and don't ask for help. But Instrumentality had shown just how wrong she had been; that instead of not wanting anybody she wanted others to care about her, to stay with her. And what did she do when she had the chance to never be alone again? She ran. A tear ran down her cheek as that memory raced through her thoughts. So absorbed in the past, she never heard the man approach.   

   Shinji walked up behind her and rested his hands on her bare shoulders, feeling a tremor race through her body. "Asuka, you were never alone."  

   "I know that now," she whispered. "Misato, Hikari, Rei, and even the other Stooges; all of them were my friends. And I was scared of becoming too attached to them."

   "Why?"

   Asuka felt more tears sliding down her face at his quiet question. "Because I was afraid of losing them, okay! That if I became too comfortable with being around them something would happen to take everyone away from me. Just like what happened with mama. I lost her, found her after so many years and lost her again." She tensed as Shinji took a deep breath. "I didn't want that to happen with the others."

   "What about me?" he asked quietly.

   "You," she whispered. "I didn't know what to think of you back then. At times all I wanted to do was hate you while at others I felt myself growing closer and wanting you around me. Weird isn't it, I wanted to be self-sufficient to never need anyone and yet I wanted people around me." Her head bowed and she looked down into the water. "And it's my fault that you never knew how to react to me. I was always doing and saying one thing, and wanting the opposite deep down." The redhead turned her head and looked him in the eyes. "It was a war I couldn't win, no matter how much I tried. You don't know how much you meant to me at times."

   Shinji felt his jaw clench. "If you cared so much then why did you run?"

   Asuka sighed, turning around, refusing to back down from the glare she was receiving. Slowly, she reached up and ran a hand over his cheek, down his jaw and cupped his chin in her palm. The tension in her body fled as he followed her example, but instead of cupping her chin he stroked her cheek. She smiled inwardly at what was happening, like eight years of separation had never happened or that she was explaining her actions. Giving him a faint smile, the redhead brought her hand down to her side.

   "Because it was too much for me to handle," she admitted. "When you asked me out, wanting to become more than just friends or roommates, it was just too much for me. I was still trying to sort out all my feelings concerning the recent events in my life." She leaned forward burying her face in his chest. When she spoke, her voice was muffled. "I wanted to say yes, but I just couldn't."

   "So that was why you waited a day before answering me?" His hands moved to her back, gently stroking her. 

   "Yes, it hurt so much to reach that decision because you had waited for so long. Three years is a long time to wait." She frowned against his chest. "All I could think was that you were asking me because it was convenient, not because you loved me."

   "I never had the chance to learn what I felt for you, whether it was love or just a crush."

   "I'm sorry."

   Shinji closed his eyes, breathing in deeply, smelling Asuka's shampoo and perfume as they stood there. The situation was just so unreal that he was still trying to catch up. Here he was holding the woman he hadn't seen for eight years, like nothing had happened between them and listening to her cry. He hadn't even meant to hug her, only wanting an answer to his question, but when she had started asking him why he hadn't done anything it had hit a nerve. He had acted without thinking, something he had done before with the redhead. Still he was at a loss as what to do next, not knowing what to say or how to act. When her arms went around him again, he smiled faintly.

   "You hungry?" he whispered.

   The redhead pulled back so she could look at the man, seeing tears on his cheeks. "What are you, stupid? I'm in tears and you're thinking about food"

   "I'm sorry," he replied. "I just thought you'd like something to take your mind off of…"  

   Asuka removed her arms from around the man and took a step back. She felt herself grinning at his attempt to change the subject. "Well, if you put it like that, I'm starving."

   "Good, I know this little restaurant," Shinji said, grinning. "That is if you don't mind a short train trip."

   "As long as you're paying."

- - - -

   "I'm sorry I made you cry."

   Asuka looked up from her bowl, her chopsticks halfway to her mouth, to see Shinji staring at her. Shaking her head, she quickly ate before setting her bowl down. Their meal had recently arrived and she was starving, it always seemed her hunger grew when she was emotional, and after what had just occurred, all she wanted to do was eat. 

   "I told you once already, it's not your fault, Shinji," she admonished him. "I've kept it all inside me for eleven years. Tears are only natural after so long."

   "Maybe it would've hurt less if you had told me earlier," he said. "A letter, email or even a phone call could've worked. And it wouldn't have had to been very long, just you telling me that you didn't mean what you said years ago and that you're sorry."

   The redhead shook her head. "You saw what happened when you asked me why I left. It wouldn't have made it any easier do what you suggested, though I did try a couple times to write you a letter a few years back, but I never finished it."

   "You did?"

   "I just said that, didn't I?"

   "So how come…" He trailed off remembering what had happened. "Never mind."

   "Thank you."

   Shinji nodded his head, understanding she was thanking him for not continuing on about the past. Their conversation died at that, with each of them turning their attention back to the meal in front of them. Eating his meal the man found that he was enjoying it, finding the subtle flavors he had missed for so long. Looking up, he watched the redhead eat methodically moving from one part of her meal to the next, wondering if it was her company that made the meal enjoyable. But as he looked at her, he found his eyes returning to her face, now clear of her streaked make-up.

   "So beautiful," he whispered, blushing.

   "You say something?" she inquired, looking up to see him studying her.

   "Nothing."

   The former EVA pilot raised one eyebrow in disbelief; she had noticed his glances. 

   "I don't believe you, but I'll let it go this time."

   Shinji swallowed at that, even as she smiled mischievously. Tearing his eyes away from her face, he looked down at the empty dishes.

   "Asuka, can I ask you something?"

   "Is it important?" she inquired.

   "A little," he admitted.

   The redhead frowned at that, wondering what else would be of importance, besides what he had asked earlier, to Shinji on her first night back. Still she remembered what was significant for him wasn't always serious for her and she wouldn't know until he asked. Pushing her dishes off to one side, she placed her elbows on the table, and rested her chin in a palm. Her eyes locked on to his, glad to see that he returned her gaze without flinching.

   "Ask away," she said, bluntly.

   "How long are you going to be here in Tokyo-3?"

   "Why?" She didn't get any joy at watching him squirm for a moment but her eyes softened at the pain on his face.

   "Because…I'd like to spend some time with…you, even if it's only going to be for a few days," he told her sadly. "I'd like to get to know you again without the fights and yelling. To get to know the real Asuka or at least a part of her."

   "Oh." She didn't have a comeback for that except, of course, for the truth. "Well, I've been transferred so I'll be around for awhile, a few years at least."

   "So it's your job," he said bitterly. 

   The hand that gripped his was soft and warm, and completely unexpected. Shinji's eyes darted from where Asuka was holding his hand to her face. She was looking at him with a hurt look on her face, her blue eyes a little watery as she frowned at him. 

   "I came to see you first, not Misato or even Hikari but _you_, and I don't start work until tomorrow," she told him. "Don't ever forget that."

   "Why?"

   "Because I hurt you the most back then, and I wanted a chance to say I'm…sorry." The man watched her closely as he squeezed her hand before releasing it. "I'm _so_ tired of running, Shinji, I want to stop." Her hand slowly slid back across the table, coming to rest in her lap. "I had few friends when I left and have even fewer now that I'm returning. I want you to be my friend again. And I want to be your friend, if you'll allow me." She smiled sadly as she continued. "Like you, I want to forget the fights, to get to know the real you." Asuka felt herself drawn to his dark blue eyes as she spoke the next words.

   "I want to start over, Shinji."

- - - -

   Those last words echoed through his mind as he stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom hours later; sleep an elusive target. He had been prepared for a mediocre night of listening to former classmates and returning late, drained from the boredom. But instead Fate had decided to throw him for a loop, springing an unexpected surprise on him. It had been a shock to see Asuka there, standing behind him and waiting to see how he would react to her presence. What was even more amazing was that they had been able to have a quiet meal after a rather emotional outburst. Most important of all was that he had finally gotten an answer from the redhead, even if it wasn't what he had been expecting.

   Groaning, Shinji rolled onto his side and stared at the far wall, replaying that moment in his head. Over the years he had thought of various reasons of why she had left, but none of his scenarios had approached the truth. Anger and hatred had been expected but not the emotional pain or learning that she had been unable to face her feelings. What injured him the most was how much he had hurt her back then without realizing it. It had never occurred to him that his inaction at certain events would've had such an impact on the woman. Back then it seemed so simple to leave her alone, to let her heal by herself, because he thought he couldn't have done any good.

   Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he sat up and rested his head in his hands for moment forcing that thought away. What mattered was she had returned and asked for the chance to be friends, to start over again. He picked up a folded piece of paper off his nightstand, staring at the neat handwriting on it and what it signified. Asuka, just before they had parted ways that evening, had written down her address and telephone numbers for both her apartment and cellphone, telling him not to be afraid to call anytime. It was the chance he had been waiting for and now that he had it, he wasn't going to screw up.

   "Damn it."

   Across the city in a semi-dark apartment, Asuka would've agreed with Shinji's comment. She sat on a messy bed, her back against the cold wall and her knees drawn so she could rest her chin on them. Silver streaks lined her cheeks, but the crying was over and only her slow breathing could be heard in the room. With one slim hand she pushed limp auburn hair out of her face so she could see clearly. Nightmares had found her the moment she had closed her eyes, brought on by her encounter with her former roommate.

   It had felt nice to finally tell him the truth of she had felt and gone through back then. She hadn't lied when telling him she had kept it inside for eleven long years. Bits and pieces had come out in conversations over the years to Hikari, co-workers and her psychologist, but never the whole story. It was a bittersweet victory for the woman, keeping the memories to herself and never sharing them with others. They had kept her going through the years as she rebuilt her life free of EVA and Shinji. But even success could never subdue all her pain.

   Sighing, she looked down at her feet and the three small containers gathered there. Reaching down she picked them up, ignoring the rattling of pills within them as she read the labels. Her face hardened and she stood up on shaky legs, the containers still in her hand as she walked to the bathroom. The bright lights caused her to shut her eyes tightly for a moment before opening them and staring at the image in the mirror. She had forgotten how many times in the past she had been confronted by her haunted visage. Shinji had called her beautiful that evening but she didn't feel like it at the moment. A tear caused her to shake her head angrily and stride over to the toilet. With deliberate motions she undid the lids of the drugs. A frown came to her face as she tried to upend the containers, her hand shaking, but failed instead falling to her knees in tears. 

   "I hate myself," she said, ashamed. She had told Shinji she wanted to start over, but she couldn't do that if she relied on pills to hide the pain. "I want to stop looking back into the past," she whispered as the containers fell from her hand, "and start looking forward into the future." 

* * * * 

   As usual I have to thank my pre-readers for putting up with me. Shinji and Asuka were written the way they were for some specific reasons. Those reasons relate to their pasts and what they've been up to in the past years and a couple of those reasons are in this chapter but the rest will come out in future chapters. So I'll have to ask you to be patient. After all how fun is a story where everything is explained in the first chapter. I still have a few different ideas for this story but they're for later chapters.

Red Horseman:  eva_pilot9@doramail.com


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